Choice.

I have been struggling with my feelings on the current hotbed of Mormon controversy, but perhaps not in the way that you might think. I am deeply saddened by the turn of events surrounding the Ordain Women Group, and other activism that has sought to change The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And, in all the heartbreak I have been feeling, I have struggled to know if my “weighing in” on the matter here on my blog is simply a cathartic tool, or if it would ignite more controversy. In the end, I have found myself needing to express my feelings. Please note that I am not at all trying to trigger debate, incite rage or incur conflict.  I just had to relieve my heart of it’s feelings.

As the current events have unfolded, I have never once felt any kinship or sympathized with the Ordain Women Group past feeling very keenly for those who might be struggling with this issue. I have never once thought that any activism would change the current doctrines of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The Priesthood of God, is just that- His. It belongs to Him. And when and if He ever sees fit to change how He administers it, He will do so through humble servants called by Him to lead and guide His church in these Latter Days.  To me, these facts are very clear, and solidly embedded in my heart.

In my mind, and in my heart, women are not one jot nor tittle less than their male counterparts. Especially not in the eyes of our loving Heavenly Father. He truly values each of our worth, our opinions, our challenges, our victories, and each of our voices matter to Him. I am so grateful for the blessing of the reality of that love in my life. And, I believe that we matter to His servants on the earth. I truly believe that the men God has called on this earth to lead and guide this church have counseled with Him, on all levels. In all things, I believe that Heavenly Father was and is at the helm. And never has God had to justify or excuse Himself for the sake of man.

What pains me, is that these dear women, my SISTERS, are feeling so marginalized, so ostracized that somehow their hearts have sought for activist change in a divinely organized church.  That makes me so saddened to think that somehow, somewhere along the way, the hearts of these amazing ladies have been broken. It brings me near tears to imagine how these loving, caring, incredible daughters (and sons) of God have reached such a point to cry out in this public manner for change.

Now, lest I be branded a blind follower of my faith, or be labeled as a brainwashed LDS woman, I’d like to state that I have had my share of unpleasant experiences in my short thirty one years on this earth.  Not a few of these experiences have included, or been wrought by unrighteous actions of priesthood and auxiliary leaders (yes- women!).  I have been marginalized. I have been blamed for actions of others. I have been told I wasn’t worthy of my calling because I didn’t have children. I have been told I would understand better when I received certain ordinances. I have been made to feel that I wasn’t enough to be hailed with those greater than I.  And, I can tell you that these experiences haven’t stopped because I am endowed, sealed, a mother, etc.  And some of the worst damage came at the hands of condescending sisters.

But, gratefully, my faith has proved stronger than my offense. Though I have been wronged, I have to say that I have labored over what the atonement means for me personally. We as people are very imperfect,  yet the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and His restored church on the earth today are complete. The pain I have felt is real, but the atoning sacrifice of my Savior was designed to account for just that.  I have felt His healing balm in my life. And His church is not perfect due to it’s administration by His mortal children, but I have nothing to add to it except perhaps the personal sacrifice of my own will to accept the will of God.

Our culture here in the LDS church has a long way to go. There are lots of things I’d like to change about how we interact, how we speak to one another, etc. But, I am contented to watch as the changes unfold slowly, as Heavenly Father sees fit.  He lovingly makes changes to His church at the appropriate time and in His own way. The age of missionaries changed without the prompting of the world. I would have gone on a mission in a heartbeat at age 19- in fact the day the announcement was made, my mom called me to ask if I was “mad.”  I laughed in response. Of course I wasn’t mad.  I know that the Lord had a very specific plan for me, and that as closely as possible it was fulfilled.  But, the activism of equality seeking 18 year old women did not impact the Lord’s will for His precious Sister missionary daughters. Nor would it ever.

I do not know Kate Kelly and her group personally. But, I have a feeling that I would really like her if I did.  I think that I would actually love her. Truly.  I think she is very smart, capable, intelligent, and likely someone whom I would love spending hours with discussing doctrine, politics, etc. And, I would venture to guess that these would be hard-core deep discussions, not simple scratch the surface chatter. I genuinely think that Kate Kelly and those who are following in her footsteps are my friends, and some are very literally my friends whom I love dearly. They are my cherished confidants, my sweet Sisters in Zion. They mean the world to me.

In the last days we have been told over and over that even the ELECT would be deceived.  I’d call Kate Kelly and women like her the ELECT. They have an inert desire to remain close to the church, in spite of their desire to change one of it’s core principles- and that does deserve some respect.  But, Heavenly Father knew that with the gift of agency comes the risk that His precious children would inevitably use that gift of choice (which was intended for us to choose right and return to our Father), to choose paths of pride, sin, greed, that diverge from His truth.  Heavenly Father knew that His beloved sons and daughters would make choices that seemed logical, perhaps adhere to common views of the world.  They would make choices that are accepted by society at large that would lead them from His presence.

In our scripture, the Bible dictionary’s definition of the War in Heaven even accounts for this. After explaining the crucial elements of that conflict in the premortal realm, it reads, “Although one-third of the spirits became devils, the remaining two-thirds were not all equally valiant, there being every degree of devotion to Christ and the Father among them… The nature of the conflict, however, is such that there could be no neutrals, then or now,” Bible Dictionary, War in Heaven.

Heavenly Father loves us each so individually, that He would never take from us our right to choose. He would never delineate our actions, or force us to follow any course.  But He has lovingly set forth a way for us to return to Him.  He has given us a roadmap, and so many helpful aids to guide us back to Him. But we have to trust Him (Proverbs3:5-6). We have to stand on His side, follow those He has called (D&C 1:38), and put our faith in Him when the cunning of the world flashes equality in such a logical way that it speaks to our minds as sense. He has asked us to trust Him above the wisdom of the world. He has asked us each to decide for ourselves whether this path is right and true (Moroni 10:4-5).

And so, we have the right to choose. There are no neutrals. We will be asked where we stand.  We will have to decide how much and where the whiles of our hearts’, the ideals of our minds’ and the allegiance of our Spirits’ lie. And, no matter how sad we are, or what side of this current issue we currently adhere to, we will each stand accountable for our own actions, and their consequences.

So, as I sit typing this, heartbroken at the disassociation of some of my dearest friends, the very elect, I search my heart, and find that though I am mortally flawed, I choose to trust my loving Father. I choose to fervently pray for my sisters. I choose to hope that I can follow His path for me, and stay close to His Gospel and His restored church. Because, that is how I know I can be with that loving Father of mine again.  I hope with all my heart that my sisters and brethren will also CHOOSE that path of faith and trust.