Choice.

I have been struggling with my feelings on the current hotbed of Mormon controversy, but perhaps not in the way that you might think. I am deeply saddened by the turn of events surrounding the Ordain Women Group, and other activism that has sought to change The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And, in all the heartbreak I have been feeling, I have struggled to know if my “weighing in” on the matter here on my blog is simply a cathartic tool, or if it would ignite more controversy. In the end, I have found myself needing to express my feelings. Please note that I am not at all trying to trigger debate, incite rage or incur conflict.  I just had to relieve my heart of it’s feelings.

As the current events have unfolded, I have never once felt any kinship or sympathized with the Ordain Women Group past feeling very keenly for those who might be struggling with this issue. I have never once thought that any activism would change the current doctrines of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The Priesthood of God, is just that- His. It belongs to Him. And when and if He ever sees fit to change how He administers it, He will do so through humble servants called by Him to lead and guide His church in these Latter Days.  To me, these facts are very clear, and solidly embedded in my heart.

In my mind, and in my heart, women are not one jot nor tittle less than their male counterparts. Especially not in the eyes of our loving Heavenly Father. He truly values each of our worth, our opinions, our challenges, our victories, and each of our voices matter to Him. I am so grateful for the blessing of the reality of that love in my life. And, I believe that we matter to His servants on the earth. I truly believe that the men God has called on this earth to lead and guide this church have counseled with Him, on all levels. In all things, I believe that Heavenly Father was and is at the helm. And never has God had to justify or excuse Himself for the sake of man.

What pains me, is that these dear women, my SISTERS, are feeling so marginalized, so ostracized that somehow their hearts have sought for activist change in a divinely organized church.  That makes me so saddened to think that somehow, somewhere along the way, the hearts of these amazing ladies have been broken. It brings me near tears to imagine how these loving, caring, incredible daughters (and sons) of God have reached such a point to cry out in this public manner for change.

Now, lest I be branded a blind follower of my faith, or be labeled as a brainwashed LDS woman, I’d like to state that I have had my share of unpleasant experiences in my short thirty one years on this earth.  Not a few of these experiences have included, or been wrought by unrighteous actions of priesthood and auxiliary leaders (yes- women!).  I have been marginalized. I have been blamed for actions of others. I have been told I wasn’t worthy of my calling because I didn’t have children. I have been told I would understand better when I received certain ordinances. I have been made to feel that I wasn’t enough to be hailed with those greater than I.  And, I can tell you that these experiences haven’t stopped because I am endowed, sealed, a mother, etc.  And some of the worst damage came at the hands of condescending sisters.

But, gratefully, my faith has proved stronger than my offense. Though I have been wronged, I have to say that I have labored over what the atonement means for me personally. We as people are very imperfect,  yet the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and His restored church on the earth today are complete. The pain I have felt is real, but the atoning sacrifice of my Savior was designed to account for just that.  I have felt His healing balm in my life. And His church is not perfect due to it’s administration by His mortal children, but I have nothing to add to it except perhaps the personal sacrifice of my own will to accept the will of God.

Our culture here in the LDS church has a long way to go. There are lots of things I’d like to change about how we interact, how we speak to one another, etc. But, I am contented to watch as the changes unfold slowly, as Heavenly Father sees fit.  He lovingly makes changes to His church at the appropriate time and in His own way. The age of missionaries changed without the prompting of the world. I would have gone on a mission in a heartbeat at age 19- in fact the day the announcement was made, my mom called me to ask if I was “mad.”  I laughed in response. Of course I wasn’t mad.  I know that the Lord had a very specific plan for me, and that as closely as possible it was fulfilled.  But, the activism of equality seeking 18 year old women did not impact the Lord’s will for His precious Sister missionary daughters. Nor would it ever.

I do not know Kate Kelly and her group personally. But, I have a feeling that I would really like her if I did.  I think that I would actually love her. Truly.  I think she is very smart, capable, intelligent, and likely someone whom I would love spending hours with discussing doctrine, politics, etc. And, I would venture to guess that these would be hard-core deep discussions, not simple scratch the surface chatter. I genuinely think that Kate Kelly and those who are following in her footsteps are my friends, and some are very literally my friends whom I love dearly. They are my cherished confidants, my sweet Sisters in Zion. They mean the world to me.

In the last days we have been told over and over that even the ELECT would be deceived.  I’d call Kate Kelly and women like her the ELECT. They have an inert desire to remain close to the church, in spite of their desire to change one of it’s core principles- and that does deserve some respect.  But, Heavenly Father knew that with the gift of agency comes the risk that His precious children would inevitably use that gift of choice (which was intended for us to choose right and return to our Father), to choose paths of pride, sin, greed, that diverge from His truth.  Heavenly Father knew that His beloved sons and daughters would make choices that seemed logical, perhaps adhere to common views of the world.  They would make choices that are accepted by society at large that would lead them from His presence.

In our scripture, the Bible dictionary’s definition of the War in Heaven even accounts for this. After explaining the crucial elements of that conflict in the premortal realm, it reads, “Although one-third of the spirits became devils, the remaining two-thirds were not all equally valiant, there being every degree of devotion to Christ and the Father among them… The nature of the conflict, however, is such that there could be no neutrals, then or now,” Bible Dictionary, War in Heaven.

Heavenly Father loves us each so individually, that He would never take from us our right to choose. He would never delineate our actions, or force us to follow any course.  But He has lovingly set forth a way for us to return to Him.  He has given us a roadmap, and so many helpful aids to guide us back to Him. But we have to trust Him (Proverbs3:5-6). We have to stand on His side, follow those He has called (D&C 1:38), and put our faith in Him when the cunning of the world flashes equality in such a logical way that it speaks to our minds as sense. He has asked us to trust Him above the wisdom of the world. He has asked us each to decide for ourselves whether this path is right and true (Moroni 10:4-5).

And so, we have the right to choose. There are no neutrals. We will be asked where we stand.  We will have to decide how much and where the whiles of our hearts’, the ideals of our minds’ and the allegiance of our Spirits’ lie. And, no matter how sad we are, or what side of this current issue we currently adhere to, we will each stand accountable for our own actions, and their consequences.

So, as I sit typing this, heartbroken at the disassociation of some of my dearest friends, the very elect, I search my heart, and find that though I am mortally flawed, I choose to trust my loving Father. I choose to fervently pray for my sisters. I choose to hope that I can follow His path for me, and stay close to His Gospel and His restored church. Because, that is how I know I can be with that loving Father of mine again.  I hope with all my heart that my sisters and brethren will also CHOOSE that path of faith and trust.

Sisters

I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven. He seems always to know just what I need, and He is so generous in blessing me with His love. Today is no exception. Even as I write these words, they seem so lackluster in comparison to the feelings behind them.

  I was out of town this last weekend, and missed the General Women’s Meeting of my church. I realize how this might sound, but I think I was supposed to miss it.  We were in Oklahoma for the Buley family reunion, and it was a lovely experience for all of us to spend time with and meet Ken’s extended family. We were able to meet Ken’s father’s cousins, and see Ken’s grandfather’s grave, and the places where Ken’s dad spent time as a child, and hear wonderful stories of  his family that seemed to fill a void somehow. My heritage is so real to me that I have found Ken’s lack of knowledge of his a little disconcerting at times. I think we both feel like a piece to our puzzle has been restored somehow after this reuinion. I hope we are able to attend more like this, and take advantage of the time we have with Ken’s family. It is such a huge blessing. I love how important family is to us! It was really a beautiful time.

  But, to set up the whole reason for this post, I had better go back a little, and set the stage.  Recently I have been feeling pretty lonely. It’s not that I don’t have a wonderful husband and family, I do. It’s not that Texas isn’t a great place, it is. It’s not even that I haven’t made wonderful friends here, and kept the best friends a girl could have back home. I have all these things, but it’s not the same as having sisters.

  I think that I am starting to feel the void of having no sisters. I watch those around me have such close bonds with their sisters. Sisters seem to be everyone’s best friends when they grow up. All my close girls have the best relationships with their sisters, and they seem not to need closer relationships with those around them. I am being blessed with sisters in law this year, though they have sisters of their own. Somehow, I have been feeling like I have been completely left out of this sister loop.

  Now let me say, for the record, that I love my brothers. They are the best. They are sweet, endearing boys, and I am so grateful for them! I love to spend time with them, and I love to hear from them. They are my siblings, we share so much! But, it’s not the same as having a sister. Not really. Because, after all, women need women, right?

  So, this has been in my mind and in my heart lately. A simple, silent plea to not feel so isolated as a woman. I heartfelt yearning for sisters of my own, or at least for friends who can help to fill the void. I’m not even sure I had prayed about it. But, sometimes I find that prayers can be unuttered, but answered nonetheless.

  As I sat down this morning to watch the General Women’s meeting, I was overcome. The images of women of all ages meeting together and feeling their collective power and testimony brought tears to my eyes. And, those tears continued as talk after talk touched my heart. As the videos played, as the music poured from these dear sisters, I felt that I was not alone, and that I have millions of sisters. I have so many sisters that I cannot number them. And, like my Father in Heaven, they love me as I love them.  This simple, inspired meeting answered my prayer, and filled my heart with a feeling of sisterhood.

  Heavenly Father knew what I needed. He knew that my sisters were all around me, and that I simply needed to be reminded of their presence. He knew I needed to know I was not alone, and that He loved me enough to send me to a home where I would have the Gospel. He knows me, He loves me. And I know that I am no exception. He loves us all as His daughters, no matter what we do, no matter who we are, and no matter where we are.  He even helped B to nap so I could watch this meeting and blog about it (pretty amazing if you know my crazy son).  Heavenly Father truly knows and answers prayers. He knows how to touch our hearts and fill them with His love. I could not be more grateful.

Missed it? Don't wait another minute...

Seen it? I think it's worth watching again.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2014/04?lang=eng&vid=3408781210001

Grateful.

      I realize this post is late. As I read all of the social media posts during November, I myself felt that I needed to express my gratitude. I started this list, but it took me longer than I would have liked to complete.  30 blessings - for 30 years of my life, or 30 days in November, whichever you fancy.

     The happiness of being grateful is real. It's amazing what an attitude of gratitude does for you!  So, read it or don't, but I am grateful!

1.     I am so grateful to live in a country where I have the freedom to choose for myself.  Though it is far from perfect, it is divinely appointed!

2.     I am thankful for a beautiful home. I could never have dreamt that one day we would own such a grand house. We are so blessed, and so grateful.

3.     I am so grateful for my education, for the process of gaining it, and what it has taught me. I see and am grateful for the resulting blessings everyday.

4.     I am eternally thankful for the opportunity to serve a mission. What I learned in the process is priceless beyond measure, and the people I was blessed to meet have changed my life for better.  Halas vagyok Magyarorszagert.

5.     I am so grateful for Ken’s family. They have been my saving grace these last nine months. I am so grateful for their hospitality, their friendship, their acceptance, their love and their support.

6.     I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for telling me no, and guiding me to my incredible husband. He knew far better than I what I needed, and He blessed me far beyond what I thought I could have. 

7.     I am grateful for my dear Ken. He is the best decision I ever made, and that I keep making every day. I love him more all the time, and I am so grateful for his patience, his love, his support, his longsuffering, and his fun-loving soul.

8.     I couldn’t be more grateful for my son. He is a precious little light in my life. His sweet little spirit lifts my soul and keeps me going. I am so blessed to be his mom. I am so excited to watch him grow, help him learn, and to be his mommy forever.

9.     I am so grateful for technology. I know that I couldn’t have survived this move across the country without it. It is so amazing to be able to talk to my family, have them see my son grow, and be able to keep up with my family and friends from so far away.

10. I am grateful for this beautiful earth we live on. I love nature, its peace and the joy I feel in reveling in God’s creations. I marvel at the painstaking care he put into this world where He sent us to live. He loves us so much to send us to this incredible world.

11. I am so grateful for my parents. Though we are a real family with all the problems that come with family, they are the best parents I could ask for. They know how to buoy me up, give me strength, calm my fears, and help me be what Heavenly Father needs of me. They never doubt I can accomplish what I dream, or what is expected of me.

12.  I am very grateful that my fabulous parents taught me the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful that they helped me keep the standards of the church, that they instilled in me the difference between right and wrong, that they worked hard to teach me responsibility and how to be a good member of society.

13.  I am very grateful for my brothers. I love them each so much, and I am so proud of the men that they are and are becoming. They are always there for me, they are incredibly supportive, and they give me a bad time. Love you guys!

14. I am grateful for my extended family. I have the best network of aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles, second cousins, grandparents and my “adopted” family. I am so blessed to have such a close-knit family who loves me.

15. I am truly grateful for amazing friends. So much of who I am I owe to the angels embodied who have stood by my side, whether for a brief moment, or for years on end, I have been so richly blessed by those I am honored to call my friends.

16.  I am grateful for the principle of work. I have been blessed to have many jobs, wearing many hats. I love being a nurse, but even more, I love being a mom. While I have much to learn, work is such an important principle in life, and work is a great teacher!

17. I am grateful for my physical body. Though it is flawed, I am blessed with health.  I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who created our bodies to function so well.  It is such a gift of God that we are endowed with this creation of a body to house our immortal spirits.

18.  I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the Plan of Happiness, and my knowledge of it.  I cannot being to express my deep gratitude for the knowledge that I can be together with my family forever one day. Losing loved ones is not so despairing with this bright blessing of truth.

19.  I cannot express my gratitude for the blessing of a testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for His life and His earthly mission, His example and His Atonement. I truly know that my Savior lives, that He loves me, that He died for me, and that through Him I can be made perfect and return to my Father in Heaven. My brother, Jesus Christ is my friend and my Savior.

20. I am grateful for the restored church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessing of being “called to know the richness of His blessing.”

21. I am thankful for a fourteen-year-old boy, prepared by God, and courageous enough to ask the hard questions though prayer. I am grateful for the revealed truths that have come as a result of that boy, Joseph Smith, and each latter-day prophet who followed him. I feel so blessed to know that God still speaks to us today, in the form of His servants, the prophets and apostles of Jesus Christ.

22. I am incredibly blessed to live in a home where God’s priesthood power resides in my husband. I am thankful that this power was again restored to the earth through Joseph Smith by the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father.

23. I am grateful for scripture, ancient and modern, restored and revealed. God so loves us that He has preserved His word to many groups of people that we can learn from it. I am so blessed to learn more about my Savior and my Father in Heaven, His plan for me, and the way He speaks to us. I am thankful for the Bible, The Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price and for modern revelation to God’s chosen servants on the earth today!

24.  I am so grateful to my mom for all that she taught me.  Some things were very intentional: she taught me the gospel, to cook, to clean, to love children and care for them, to treat others with respect, to write thank you notes. Other things were more by example: to love my Heavenly Father, to love music, to enjoy reading, to love the arts, to enjoy the holidays (all of them), to pray and read my scriptures, to give thoughtful gifts, faith in times of trial, family loyalty, to honor my covenants, to love clothes, to love pretty things and to love nature. I am truly the woman I am today because my mother is who she is. I am her only daughter, and I feel so honored to hold the title. She is the best woman I know.

25.  I am so grateful for my dad. He has instilled in me so many important traits and concepts. I am forever indebted to him. He taught me to be an athlete- to throw, to run, to hit and to compete- NOT like a girl. My dad taught me obedience, courage, the value of education and a love of learning, perseverance, hard work, generosity, and probably the best thing he gave me: a sense that I could do absolutely anything I set my mind to, even if I had failed a million times first. No matter how hard dating was for me, he always told me that I was the kind of girl he would date- and he meant it. I sure love my dad.

26. I am so grateful for things I never learned growing up. I never learned to compare myself to other women.  Though it seems to happen regardless, I never learned to put others down in order to feel better about myself. I didn’t learn that parents should be my friends (though that has come in my adult years). I never learned that life was fair.  I didn’t learn how to quit, or how to back down. I never learned how to allow others to dictate to me how I feel about myself. I never learned that things would be given to me. I am as grateful for the things I didn’t learn as I am the ones I did learn.

27. I am really grateful that the Lord doesn’t allow me to settle too much into a comfort zone. Though it’s horribly painful each time He places me in new circumstances, I know that I need the remodel each time I am moved about. I’m grateful that the Lord moved me to Utah at 16, that He moved me here to Texas at 30. Who knows what else He has in store. I’m sure it will hurt, but I’ll be grateful in the end.

28. I am so grateful for my forgiving Father in Heaven. He is ever patient with me, so very persevering in His love and forbearance. I am grateful for His mercy and the principle of repentance. I am so grateful for the atonement.

29. I am grateful for always having enough. I have never truly wanted for anything really in my life. I am so grateful for the things I have. I am richly blessed with material things. I have so much more than I need, but I am truly grateful.

30. I am grateful for this season of gratitude and thanksgiving. It is such a fabulous segway to the celebration of Christ’s birth. I love the reminder to be grateful- it breeds happiness!

Dreams

The question was posed to me recently- “Are you living your dreams?” I think it was one of those divinely appointed perspective-attaining moments, the kind where your focus seems to pan out like the lens of a camera, allowing you to refocus from the harry details of the day to day, and see the whole picture of your life. Allow me to explain.

I feel that I have had the blessing of living my dreams. But the reality of a dream is very different from it’s inception.  Dreams have come to consist of fairy tale properties, lacking the certainty of defeat, set-back, tragedy and redirection.  As Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf put it, in his General Conference address Your Happily Ever After,

“Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “happily ever after,” they [speaking of the heroines in the plot of a fairy tale] all had to experience great adversity…In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy.”

So, when I say I have lived my dreams, I’m sure people think that my little life was picture perfect. It indeed was not.

I have had many many trials in my life. Of course mine are what I can handle, and others are given seemingly greater challenges.  My journey to become a nurse included major set-backs like multiple rejections, repeating classes, two degrees, countless hours of studying, scary tests and well, nursing school itself.  And once I got to the finish line, I discovered that there were things about my dream that weren’t so very dreamy. But in the end, I love being a nurse, and I know it is my professional calling. Even my writing this, I am hindered by my sweet little one year old who wants my full and undivided attention. He’s even helping me type.  Dreams are not without hardship.

I have also observed that dreams do not effortlessly float into your lap. There is no fairy godmother who sprinkles pixie dust and everything falls into place.  Attaining your dreams is just like most of life: hard work and waiting.  Dreams aren’t often served up on a platter, especially not mine. When they are, I think we tend to appreciate them less. There is something in the toiling, the waiting, the struggle that teaches us, matures us and readies us for the coming responsibility.  Too many people I know throw out their dreams when they prove too difficult, or not exactly what they intended. That’s why the preparation, delay, and waiting is so important.

One of my favorite quotes is attributed to Gordon B. Hinckley, but really he’s quoting Jenkin Lloyd Jones, the newspaper columnist. The quote reads

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Now doesn’t that evoke some visions of grandeur?  But, only occasionally.  Dreams are achieved little by little. Living them is the hard part.

I’d like to one day write a book.  I realize that this is a good idea in theory. At one point in my collegiate career, a writing professor of mine told me, “You wouldn’t know how intelligent you are by how you write.”  Was that a veiled compliment? I only heard that I couldn’t write. I changed my major.  (Now we know that was foreordained). It was years before I grew the courage to reengage in writing, and after much encouragement from my parents and others. Writing is challenging and a seemingly never ending process, but it is something I enjoy, a kind of soul catharsis.  But, writing aforementioned book will likely take years, and I have yet to really even start. Yet it is a dream.

As I live my dreams, of motherhood, of a family, of a happy marriage, of buying a home, it all looks so different than I had assumed.  That was the problem, though, I assumed I knew how the Lord would bless me with my dreams. Silly me. He wants to give me everything I ever wanted, but it’s going to look different, take time, hurt a little or a lot, and certainly require sacrifice and exertion. 

Remember the refocusing? The panning out?  When I stop, reevaluate and assess my life, I am living the beauty of my dreams.  But, I have to let go of the dirty kitchen, the stress of looking for a home, the loneliness of living half a world away from my former life, and enjoy my endearing one year old, my doting husband and my simple existence.  I have to focus a lot less on the fuzzy blades of grass, and see the panorama.

So, am I living my dream? I am. That's the funny thing about dreams, though. They seem to be colored differently in reality than they are in your mind. I think The Lord paints them. So, learning to enjoy His art is the one challenge of my dreams.

Aren't my dreams pretty?

Thirty.

30…

So, my twenties are over. And the way people talk, you’d think my life was, too! But, I’m not threatened by thirty, not one bit. And here’s why:

My twenties were pretty great. I accomplished quite a bit in my life.  I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and learned Hungarian to do it.  I studied at a great university, and had a ton of fun doing it.  I got two Bachelor’s degrees, became a nurse, and worked for a few amazing organizations in healthcare. I met and married my best friend, Ken Buley.  We traveled a little: I got to see Maui, Washington DC, Yellowstone and the Tetons, Disneyland and California Adventure, and San Francisco.  I became a mom (and gave birth, but becoming a mom was way cooler and less painful than giving birth), and now I have the best gift ever: my sweet little boy, Benjamin.  We even moved across the country to Texas!

I think the reason the number doesn’t bother me is that I don’t have many regrets. I have loved hard, and gotten my heartbroken. I have tried a good many things and failed at a lot of them, but I have tried! I have suffered, had hardships, been through trials of faith and come out better, stronger and more happy. I have made a good many mistakes, but I have learned so much about myself, and about life in the process that they feel almost like milestones rather than setbacks. I have been blessed to have amazing friends, and loyal family by my side, and I achieved all that I really wanted to achieve. I think that life has really been good to me.

And I have so much left to do: more children (not announcement, just a plan), our first house (coming Fall 2013), more making memories, more fun! I don’t feel old at all (until I talk to someone younger), I just feel right.

So, thirty isn’t so bad. I feel like I’ve earned it. Why stay 29 forever when you might miss out on the rest of what life’s next phase has to offer? There’s plenty more life left in me, and I am excited to take it on! Bring your best, Thirty! I can’t wait.

Berry Picking

I am unfortunately a week late in posting our Saturday adventure. Yesterday was very rainy, and we simply didn't adventure like we have been. But a week ago, I experienced some fun southern traditions- berry hunting and picking.

Now,  in Utah where I am from, we have lots of berries. And, my mother and grandmother are very gifted at making jams, etc. But, I have never had the experience of hunting for berries an picking them myself! Ken grew up with this berry tradition, but this was a whole new ball game for me!

The Berry picking crew- Christina and I are picking,

 Colby and Anya are using their weapons to try to ward off the treacherous invaders

Christina, Ken's cousin, and my new bestie, has been talking about berry picking since I met her (about 6 weeks ago). She claims that to find the Dewberries (I had honestly never heard of them until I moved here), you have to scout the blooms on the vine-like raspberry-esc plants, weeks before the fruit becomes ripe, so that you can find them again. Otherwise, these yummy little berries will be lost forever.

Dewberrys grow on the ground, like raspberries and are black looking, much like blackberries. The are sweet when ripe, and tart when they haven't yet matured. They are smaller than blackberries like raspberries, but taste more like a blackberry. They come with danger, though, because where these yummy berries grow, there also tend to lurk snakes...

We were undeterred, though, because like all adventures, you must be brave and courageous to find our treasure! We came equipped with poles, bats, golf clubs and other things to warn the potential vermin of our invading (and we didn't see a single snake). I did come out with lots of little thorns in my fingers and more than a dozen misquito bites. Alas! The things we do for yumminess.

The final result! Yummy!

Kemah Boardwalk

So, Ken and I decided that we are going to make the most of Houston! We can't be a good host/hostess for when you all visit if we don't know the lay of the land! Plus, we ought to have a little fun in our new home! So, we are going to dedicate Saturdays (as much a we can) to adventures and exploring Houston!

This week's installment is Kemah Boardwalk! Pronounced Kee-muh, this boardwalk is right on the mainland side of the bay. It took us about 20 minutes to drive there, and we just happened to go during the Crawfish Festival. It is a cute little midway or carnival style boardwalk, with an aquarium, shops, restaurants, a splash pad and rides/ games. Benjamin is too little to enjoy some of the fun, so we basically just explored, and another time we may indulge in some more of the activities.

Daddy and Benjamin on the splash pad

Catfish, Catfish and more catfish. This whole little place under the boardwalk was full of catfish. 

They even have little food dispensers to feed them.

Sailboats!

LOL. Had to take the pic.

Ever had crawfish? Me neither until yesterday. They were yummy! 

(who knows if we were eating them right?!?)

Benjamin and Daddy being dunces! So cute!

All in all, we had a blast! 

A little Texas for me...

We're here! We have arrived in our new home. It's been a very busy week. Let me hit the highlights...

- Benjamin learned to push himself up to standing
- Ken, my dad and two of my brothers: Nicholas and Jonathan drove the moving truck and our two cars from Salt Lake to Houston
- Benjamin and I flew down (by ourselves) to Houston
- Our family greeted us with open arms here
- Got introduced to one of the best parts of Houston (and Texas in general, as I understand)-THE FOOD!
- Ken randomly (or not so randomly) ran into the Stake Relief Society President
- The Elders visited
- Benjamin started to walk
- We bought a few new items to help us settle in- a TV, and a new dresser
- I got a pedicure, and an eyebrow wax
- I saw a darling school play- and Anya was great (Ken's cousin's daughter)

Needless to say, we are getting acclimated here. Ken and I keep saying to ourselves that it sort of feels like we are on vacation. But, we'll get used to it soon, I'm sure!

Blessings in disguise...

So, I have neglected my blogging world the last few months. Turns out, I’m not so good at this blogging game. But, due to recent events, I have felt like I should take it up again. Perhaps I will be better at it moving forward? Well, we’ll see.

The big news is already out: we are moving to Texas.  The long journey to find Ken a new job has ended in Houston.  And, it seems kind of surreal, that we finally have a destination, a place to be permanent. We have played the up-in-the-air game since we got married, and I have lamented over and over that I’d like to settle down, so I guess the Lord answered those prayers. Yet, He always seems to answer in a way that I never dreamed plausible.

It started when I was 16. My parents had moved my family to Mesa, Arizona five years previously. And through those tricky teenage years, I had struggled.  But, I had good friends, and I had just successfully completed a transition from Jr. high to a high school where most of the kids I knew didn’t go.  It was a growing year, but I had made great new friends, earned a starting spot on the varsity softball team (after a lot of hard work), had auditioned into one of the premier choirs (a huge accomplishment) and I even had a boyfriend.  But, this was the first time the Lord decided to challenge me- bigtime.

It wasn’t a shock that my parents decided to move. Our house had been on the market for two years. But, the Lord “blessed” our family that summer, and sent us back to Salt Lake City, Utah. And, I was devastated.

I remember unpacking the boxes in this new place, washing dishes in our new kitchen sink, and crying. My parents knew how hard this must be for me. Well, they thought that they knew, anyway. I had no friends, there wasn’t even a girl in my ward my age. When I started at East High, I thought I would die. Not only did I have no one to eat lunch with, there were two other new girls, both prettier than I was, so the new girl novelty wasn’t even there. And I felt so very alone.

The seminary theme that year was Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." It gave me a little peace, but it also paved the way for me.

Now, let’s remember a few things here:  I did end up making the best friends I have ever had in my life.  I did wind up in the perfect situation for me. I am eternally grateful to have gotten to spend so much time with my dear Grandma, who I lost about eight years after that move. I attended the right college, I learned so much in our new ward, and I can honestly say, almost 14 years later, that moving was a huge blessing in my life. But, at the time, I couldn’t possibly understand how a Heavenly Father who loved me could do such a thing.

But, this scene has played out in my life quite a few times since then. That feeling of “What was the Lord thinking?” has been almost a familiar feeling for me. I have learned that the Lord loves me enough to not let me get too comfortable. He wants to challenge me, teach me, help me grow, and maybe even use me for His own purposes sometimes. But, the Lord is in charge.

He did it when my best friend got married early in college. He did it when He wanted me to get a degree in Human Development and Family Studies BEFORE I went to nursing school. He did it when He wanted me to serve a mission- in HUNGARY. He did it when he needed me to speak Hungarian, when He didn’t want me to marry the person I thought I should marry (thank heavens He did it then). He did it when all my friends were married when I got home from my mission, when He wanted me rely on Him to find a husband, when I was in a tough ward situation, a tough job situation, and He guided me elsewhere. And, He’s doing it now.

I am struggling to make sense of His current call to change. He wants my little family and I in Houston. In Houston, where in spite of having family (thank heavens- they’ll save me!), I know hardly anyone at all. He wants to humble me, to teach me, to guide me.

I know this is the right place, I feel peace about our move. I feel like this is the answer to our prayers, and like this is an enormous blessing.  I feel like this  job is the one for Ken, like we are getting a special chance to be around family we never thought we would.  And, the part of me that knows all of this is very excited.

But, the other part of me can’t help but be sad. I am leaving my home, my family, my dear friends, an incredible ward where I have thrived, and all my comfort! My son will grow up away from my parents and brothers, away from my friends' kids, and away from the mountains.  Admittedly, I have tried really hard not to think too much about it, because when I do, I just cry.

The Lord knows what He is doing. I had a plan, and He is fulfilling my plan, He is answering my prayers, He is blessing me. But He’s doing it in His way. Again.

Probably the best example of the Lord's blessings in my life. My sweet family.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The hardest job, EVER.

As a nurse, there are these things called NANDA diagnoses. They are basically a nursing diagnosis, or a problem that nurses can identify and implement strategies to help with health, healing and the medical treatment.  In nursing school, they drill these silly NANDA diagnoses into your head, and you write care plan after care plan in order to train your brain to think like that: Nursing diagnosis: intervention, intervention, intervention, intervention.  Then, when you get out of school, you never see the format again. Probably because it is emblazoned onto your brain, so you mechanically think that way when you encounter a problem.

Recently, I have encountered my first true challenge as a mother: Sleep deprivation.  Now, you’d think that my son’s food allergy would have thrown me. Nope. I’m a nurse. I can handle that.  Or maybe my loss of intellectual stimulation (that may come a bit later).  But, we are now on our third week of Benjamin’s sleep strike. At first, I was sure that it was teething. And it might have been. But now, three weeks later, we are still having trouble and no teeth to show for it. And, I am going crazy.

Even when I finally get Benjamin down, I can’t sleep for fear that he’ll be up any second.  My brain won’t let me relax and get the sleep my body desperately needs.  I have succeeded in reorganizing half my apartment, moving my furniture around, even finding a new piece of furniture in my sleepless hours. But, after a while, I start to melt down.

I should be able to ask for help. My husband continually tries to encourage me to ask for help. But, I am stubbornly prideful, and I truly don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I had the baby, and I should be able to take care of him. I have to learn how. Even if it kills me.

I have tried a lot of things.  Tylenol for the teething, four infant sleep books, consulting with my husband, my mom, my friends, my doctor.  I thought it could be an ear infection for a bit. Yesterday I found out that my child is completely healthy (thank heaven), and that I am crazy.  Admittedly, I had mixed feelings when I left the pediatrician’s office.  I felt relieved that my nursing and mommy senses were right, and that I can spot a real ear infection.  But, I felt utterly defeated. I had expended every option, and even my doctor, whom I have know professionally for years and trust completely, suggested that it might be time to let my baby cry it out.  I have resisted this up until now, not wanting my baby to have to cry.  I’m afraid he will feel alone, he will think I don’t love him, that he won’t trust me.

My doctor also suggested that we start rice cereal, just to see if it might help him sleep through the night. So, I gave him some rice cereal. It was pretty entertaining- he had now idea what to do with it! It was really cute.  Then I gave him a bath. Then, we swaddled him, we read stories, sang a song, said prayers and put him to sleep about 7pm. My husband made me put earplugs in, put on white noise for me, and made me go to sleep.  He woke up at 10:30, 1:30, 4:30, 5:00, 5:30.  We were able to get him calm the first few times (I fed him at 1:30), but after the 4:30, we decided it was time to cry it out. The first time we lasted 15 minutes, the second 25 minutes, and I was also in tears.  I couldn’t take it any more, I went in and fed him, and we got up to play.

So, in the madness that is sleep deprivation, I have pulled out of my brain a NANDA nursing diagnosis.

Self care deficit related to sleep deprivation from routine motherhood. Intervention 1: shower, intervention 2: sleep, intervention 3: sleep, intervention 4: chocolate, intervention 5: sleep… you get the picture.

Once, a long time ago, a doctor told me that being a mother was way harder than being a doctor.  As a doctor, there are scientific, clear cut solutions to problems. You find the problem, you fix the problem.  If there are uncertainties, you consult with other doctors, you read literature, and you proceed with treatment.  And I liked that idea. I told lots of people about my wisdom- hah. Then I began to experience it.

As a mother, you live with the problem. You try what you know, seek new ideas, try them, and you continue day in, day out.  Then you try other things. It never ends.  You can’t go home, sleep on it, and come back with new, fresh innovative ideas.  You have a child who will never be cured, never be perfect or anything less than your responsibility.  And it’s exhausting.  Not just physically.  Emotionally, you want to the best for your child. Because they are not just a job, they are your everything.  You lose sleep, not because they are screaming, but because you care with everything that you are.  You want to fix it, you want to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the hardship. You want your child’s life to be everything that yours wasn’t, and a million times better than you know how to make it.  

And the pay isn’t like a doctor’s.  You get paid in smiles, kisses, milestones, achievements, little hands in yours, funny imaginative games, sweet misspelled cards, shining faces looking into yours, hand drawn pictures, a tiny voice saying your name, and love. And joy, unspeakable joy. But, its way harder than being a doctor. It is the hardest job that anyone ever had, ever.

Women of God... in today's world.

I have been pondering this blog post in my heart for over a month now.  I have even started and written several versions of these thoughts. Time to get it “down on paper.”

Women of God

I have recently been thinking about the incredible women who surround me.  I really don’t know how to describe them.  The problem, I fear, is that these amazing ladies do not know their own worth.  I marvel daily at women around me who defy all odds and surmount incredible challenges only to have more trials and hurdles placed before them.  Women today face such daunting tasks, and Satan would have them believe that they are failing, when, in fact, these women of faith are truly succeeding in winning the race and fighting the fight.

These women I am referring to face such difficult and often trying circumstances.  I hear stories of these brave women, and I am simply in awe.  Not one of us will escape this life without entering the fire of affliction, but I cannot believe how brave, faithful and longsuffering the women I know are. I have friends who face their day to day life with courage not comparable to anything I can fathom.

Everyone is Tested

I want to share some of the challenges facing women I know.  One is happily living the complex test of unplanned, but not unwanted, pregnancy, and others the lonely road of infertility.  Some battle severe health issues or struggle with mental illness. Several have the heart-wrending circumstance of divorce. Others suffer in abusive marriages or relationships.  Some have lost children or spouses to death. Many lose sleep, and are sick with challenges that face their children.  A few have had adultery invade their marriages. 

I know of faith-filled women whose lives have followed paths of righteousness, only to feel utterly destroyed when promised blessings are not yet received.  Often dear friends follow the counsel of the church and diligently receive an education, and at the end of the long road is unemployment.

I have dear friends who literally risk their lives to bring precious children into the world.  I know of more than one virtuous lady who has yet to find a companion.  I know women who make the extraordinary sacrifice to support their families, though their hearts long to be in their homes. 

There are those who could easily shirk calls of service due to a long list of legitimate reasons, but serve anyway. One dear friend has no reason to care for an ungrateful parent who abandoned her at birth, but she gives her home and her heart. 

Women everywhere around me survive day to day raising their children in faith and love while their husbands travel week in and week out, work long hours, or simply fail to support them emotionally.  I have a sweet friend who sold all her possessions and moved to a foreign country to learn her husband’s native language and get to know his dear family.  I have another who has lived a faithful life, raised beautiful children, only to have them reject the faith she taught them.

So many women I know face challenges they never dreamed were possible, and question their ability to continue day after day.  Truly, these women who struggle are marvelous.  As it turns out, we all struggle.

The World's Expectation of Women

I am continually impressed that we, as a gender, are able to get out of bed each day. The world seems to demand that we look like Jennifer Anniston, are as intelligent as Sandra Day O’Connor, work as hard as Condolezza Rice, and yet have dinner on the table by five.  The LDS culture seems to mandate that we shoulder the burdens of the world, never flinch in our faith, and flawlessly vacuum in heels and pearls like June Clever.  But the reality is so different.

Daughters of God

 The reality is that daughters of God are always loved by him.  Regardless of the current state of our kitchens, the ten extra pounds, the frustrated words with our husband, the scuffed shoes and the the burned cupcakes, we are still loved.  In fact, Heavenly Father loves us NO MATTER WHAT.

The reality is that in spite of what we look to as important, the only person that you have to save is you. You are the most important person the Lord would have you help. D&C 18:15 states that your joy shall be great if your bring one soul unto Him. That soul is you.

The lack of perfection that is emanating from our lives day after day is actually in our heads.  I wish that I could help every one of my amazing friends, coworkers, Relief Society sisters, and family members understand just how their Father in Heaven sees them.  I wish they could focus on the many triumphs, and not the few failures.  I want to be like Samuel the Lamanite on the wall shouting to women to remain faithful, and realize that they are doing it! They are accomplishing the Lord’s plan for them by getting out of bed every morning and being the courageous, strong, and faithful women that they are.

God will Remember You

And if I can’t reach them all, then to those who read this, just know, that your Father in Heaven loves you. Not the one next to you. You. He loves you everyday. If there are challenges, that’s intentional. If there are heart breaks, He is there. If there are blessings withheld, they will come. You are a precious daughter of God.  He is your loving Father. And, no matter the trial, the loss, the depth of despair, He will deliver you.  As one of my favorite General Conference talks says,

“…just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you.”